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Number 255 - Contemplation i was doing something i do every once in awhile. reading through old entries. i usally don't do that because they make me cry and depressed and make me feel all the emotions i was feeling back then. and i don't want to feel them. well, tonite i started on the one titled "last one for awhile" back in june of 2002. the entries weren't really affecting me until i read number 113. i couldn't take it. i just started crying. what really got me was: "Well, the drive home is what got me. I had to sit on his lap because Matt's truck is small. Ya know how when you're dating someone, that being in their arms feels so good? Well, try sitting in your ex-boyfriend's lap for 30 minutes. I wanted to cry. I had so many emotions just pulling at me and I thought I was going to tear in two. I still have feelings for him, yes. But, I also know that he isn't good for me right now." and "He was trying to get me to kiss him goodbye. I couldn't really. I gave him a little kiss, but I knew that if I really did kiss him I would have been gone. I would have crawled back to him, and I hate myself for knowing that that is what I would have done for sure. I told him that in the car too. He said "They have you dead set on this huh?" meaning Steph and Marci of course. I shook my head and replied, "No, I made a decision and I'm trying to stick to it."" and "When he kissed me, I wanted to kiss him back. I did. Real bad. But I didn't. I can't go back to him now. I need time to myself. I'm afraid that if I'm even friends with him, things are going to be too complicated. I need to get him to understand that I need to be by myself. I need to figure myself out." and "I don't even know what I am. After I got done talking to Rob in my driveway, I walk in the door and I just wanted to fall down right there and cry. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't even know." i couldn't take it. i just started crying. i was remembering that car ride home, where i had to sit in his lap. he had given me back my ring earlier that day, and my hand was on my lap and he kept trying to play with my ring. i was moving my hand away from his every once in awhile, trying to give him a hint. i looked out the window the whole time, and i think at one point, i actually was crying. it hurt me so much to break up with him, and i think the reason why was because i understood that it was the right thing to do, and i was just sad because i was angry at myself for not knowing it sooner. that, and i did like him and it hurt to know that he wasn't right for me. i look back at it all now and every guy i've been with, i mean actually dated, has meant so much to me. i always have so many emotions for them and i make a place for them in my heart. and when i finally realize that i need to move on, or they realize that they need to move on, it just aches so much. it made me think about my realtionship with rj. i like him, he really is a cool guy. but, it doesn't feel the same as any of my other relationships. maybe it's because i'm older now and i realize that just because you're dating someone doesn't guarantee you'll be with them forever or they'll always love you. that's one major difference between my relationship with rj and my past relationships. we haven't told each other we love one another. and it's not because i don't like him, because i do. it's just, i don't want to think myself into the mindset i was in during all my previous relationships. they would tell me they loved me, i would tell them i loved them. i believed it. when they said they never wanted to lose me or let me go, i believed it. but am i still with any of them? nope. i think i'm afraid that if i say i love you too soon, i'll start to believe it too much and forget that things don't always work out. that and.. i don't know. i do like rj though. i do. i just don't know if i love him. because who's to know what love is right? i do know that everytime i am around him, i'm happy. i enjoy his company, he makes me smile, we have good sex, i think that he enjoys my company. but why am i searching for reasons why we haven't said i love you. we don't need reasons why we haven't said it. we need reasons to say it. and i don't think either of us has a good solid reason to say it yet. wow. i really didn't mean to put his and my relationship in any negative light if it came out that way. i just mainly wanted to reflect on how i can still sort of understand some of the things that were going through my head more than a year ago. i just wish that things could be simple. and they are now. kind of. but, in a way. i kind of want to feel that love i felt in those relationships again. i think the two that really made me feel the best, for the most part, were rob and chris. they both said they loved me and i said it to them, and meant it. and i think i still do in a way. because i did mean it when i said it. i had strong feelings about them, and they had my heart. but either they or i fucked up and ended it, and that's why i'm with rj now. oh well. i think i should go to bed now. thinking about the past makes me contemplative, and that's not always a good thing. update later. |